Heero's Fatal Mistake
by Seraphina DW
Summary: HxR. DxH. What if that Endless Waltz picture of Heero holding Duo was a huge fluke? They were really raving drunk instead! Insane story about how the whole "picture" was masterminded in the 1st place.
1. Default Chapter

  
Warning: Lots of silliness, drinking (legal age down to 18 haha), and…yeah.   
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is copyright Sotsu Agency and whatnot. Not mine.   
Written: April 3, 2002 - May 6, 2002 **

  
Heero's Fatal Mistake   
By Seraphina DW

**

"Hello?"

"Hello, Hilde. This is Relena."

"Oh, Relena, hi. What's up?"

"Other than the sky, meetings, meetings, and more meetings. That includes a very important conference this weekend. Regarding to why I called you, I was wondering if Duo told you anything about Heero lately."

"Uh…no he hasn't. Why?"

"Well, you see, he's been rather detached lately. I was wondering if anything was troubling him."

"I think he might need to loosen up some more then," Hilde suggested. "Duo's been having the same problem. I think he may be losing interest in me."

Relena frowned over the phone. "There's got to be something we can do. Might you have any suggestions?"

"Well, um, yeah…"

And so the two girls commenced to brainstorm a mastermind plan to make Heero and Duo do as they pleased…who knows what that might be.

***

"So, Heero, how's life?" Duo asked, popping another can of beer. 

"Fine," Heero responded flatly, tossing an empty water bottle between his hands. "Just fine."

"Aww..." Duo leaned back on his lawn chair, gazing up at the speckled stars above, while feeling the cool breeze pass over the rooftop of his apartment building. "How's Miss Queen of the World?"

"Don't call her that," Heero snapped, dropping the bottle.

"Getting emotional Heero? I s'ppose that's a good thing for a guy like y'self," Duo said slyly, a full smirk drawn on his lips.

"Don't make me shove that braid down your throat, Duo," Heero threatened, his fists clenching.

"Y'wouldn't -- gahh --ppshawwrrpph"

Duo found his braid wrapped tightly around his throat and currently getting shoved into his mouth. He flailed his arms and kicked at Heero, successfully knocking a small device out of his jacket pocket. It skidded on the cement, and beeped.

Heero picked it up, and a small screen flickered with Relena's image.

Unwinding the chokehold of his braid, Duo said bitterly, "Speak of the Devil, more likely the Devil's mistress."

Heero shot Duo another warning glare, making Duo lurch back, tumbling off his chair which toppled onto him.

"Ahh, damnit!" Duo yelled, his hair getting tangled within the metal bars.

Relena laughed on the screen. "What's going on, Heero?"

"Nothing important," Heero said tersely, then his face softened. "Do you want something?"

"Actually, Hilde invited us for dinner this evening..."

"What dinner? Huh? Hilde invited you guys? What?" Duo asked, successfully tugging his braid from the wreck, then tripping over the chair, landing on his face. "What the hell is wrong with me today?"

"Ask yourself that everyday, Duo, and maybe you'll figure it out," Heero smirked.

"Heero!" Relena scorned. "Anyway, we are to be at that quaint corner restaurant near Hilde's at seven. Don't be late."

"I won't, though I can't speak for Duo," Heero smirked again.

"Hey, would you stop saying crap about me? If I was that incompetent, I wouldn't've been a Gundam pilot. Think about that!" Duo protested, fixing his lawn chair back upright as well as the beer cans that rolled about.

"I think the professor accidentally switched some one else's identity with yours when deciding who'd be a Gundam pilot," Heero replied, a smug look on his face.

"Goodbyyee, Heero," Relena drawled, trying to get his attention. Instead, Heero was still glaring at Duo triumphantly. "I love you, Heero?" Immediately, Heero face turned back to his vidphone, but saw only a black screen.

'What was...what was that about?' Heero wondered.

"Aww...she loves you. You're a lucky man, Heero. Now, it's only a matter of time before you finally get laid -- ahhhh!!" Duo ran to the descending staircase with Heero wielding a lawn chair and swinging it at his head.


	2. Ch. 2 - Drunk and Loving It

  
Warning: Lots of silliness, drinking (legal age down to 18 haha), and…yeah.   
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is copyright Sotsu Agency and whatnot. Not mine.   
Written: April 3, 2002 - May 6, 2002 **

  
Heero's Fatal Mistake   
By Seraphina DW

**

"99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer!" Duo sang out loudly while taking a swig at his can of beer. 

"Some quaint restaurant," Heero frowned and stared at his unopened can of beer. The so-called "nice" restaurant was more like a beerfest. Duo, that little thief, has managed to get them all fake I.D.s, and it wasn't very hard for their 16-year old selves to look 18, was it?

"Aww, Heero, relax won't ya?" Hilde asked, giggling at Duo who bawled, "97 bottles of beer on the wall, 97 bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it -round--"

"Duo! Shut up!" Heero stood up, about to ram his fists into his friend's face.

"Heero," Relena pleaded gently, "here." She gave him a shot glass full of a light bronze-colored liquid. He stared at it suspiciously before gulping it down.

"Bahh, Heero," Duo pasted a lazy grin on his face. "Whatdeya say to a drinking contest? Five shots."

"I say you're crazy," Heero glared.

"Aww, Heero. It'll be funnnn," Duo's eyes gleamed mischievously.

"Yeah, Heero, I'll have a contest with Hilde too," Relena said, "but only if you have one with Duo."

Heero's cocked an eyebrow at her. Relena…in a drinking contest? He'd pay lots of money to see that.

"Ok, ok," he grumbled, sat down, and watched Relena pour liquor into five shot glasses. 

"Ready?" Violet eyes stared and challenged him.

"Ready," Heero said, concentrating on the first glass.

"Go!" Hilde shouted happily.

Heero grabbed the first glass and poured the liquor into his mouth. It burned down his throat and gave him a warm, fuzzy feeling, but he didn't stop. Duo was on his third glass while Heero raced to finish his.

Fourth glass.

Fifth glass.

"Finished!" Duo cried out, laughing while a bead of liquor rolled down his chin. "Oh, man, I beat you, Heero, for the first time! Haha!" Duo pointed his finger and slumped back into his chair, laughing, while Hilde wiped his mouth with a napkin and gave him a quick kiss.

Heero glared stonily, but couldn't help but smiling. "I'm not perfect," he retorted. Grabbing Relena by the waist, he mumbled, "Your turn."

She chuckled and said, "Oh, alright," after planting a kiss on his mouth. His lust filled eyes followed her as she ordered ten shots for herself and Hilde.

"Thanks, sir," she said happily while hopping on a stool, passing five glasses to Hilde. Smiling, she asked, "Ready?"

"Ready as I'll ever be," Hilde smiled.

"Then…er-GO!" Duo shouted happily.

Relena and Hilde were almost synchronized as they poured shot after shot into their mouths.

"Come on, Relena," Heero growled.

She managed to speed up and gulp down her last glass a split second before Hilde.

"Oohh! I beat you!" She laughed and jumped on Heero, both their breaths heavy with alcohol.

"That was…was only once! Once!" Hilde laughed, drunk. "Damn, my throat…it's burning!" She giggled.

"Mmmhmm," Relena nodded, a dazed smile on her face. Turning to Heero, she slung both her arms around him and they swayed off balance.

"Heeeeeroooo," she slurred, "why don't we go out now?" 

"Wha?" Heero asked her, trying to kiss her.

"Yeah…let's go out. Whatdya say, Hilde?"

"Sure!" Hilde laughed, tugging on Duo's arm.

So off the drunken teenagers went, arms slung around each other with Duo bawling, "Whee!! This is the best fucking night ev'rrr! Haha!"

Hilde and Relena only exchanged glances, smirking to themselves.

***

"We're here!" Relena said as both girls led the boys into a dark warehouse.

"Mmm…it's dark. What're you doing, Relena?" Heero asked, stumbling onto her. "Damnit, I's never this drunk…b'fore." He smiled, lazily.

"You'll see," Relena led him on, spinning seductive threads around him. Then, without warning, she left him in the dark.

"Hilde? Hilde? Where'd ya go, you foxy thangg?" Duo laughed and grabbed for her but ended up with Heero in his arms and a fist in his face.

"Get 'ff you drunk idiot," Heero growled angrily at being left alone with Duo.

"Bah bah bah," Duo drawled.

Suddenly, great lights flashed in their face and they shielded their eyes with their arms.

"What da fuck?" Duo asked.

Hilde strutted out, her miniskirt tight around her legs. Duo grinned evilly, reaching for her when she stepped back. "Uh-uh. First, you have to do something."

Duo impatiently frowned, "What?"

Relena walked out, her hips swaying, "Heero," she purred. He grabbed her and pressed himself against her when she slid out under his arms. "Tsk tsk, Heero. You have to do something first as well."

Duo and Heero exchanged looks. "What is it?" Heero asked, his eyes hungrily scanning Relena's body.

Relena smiled a smile that would chill Heero to his bones…that is, if he was the least bit sober and had his mind up in the right place.

"Both of you, come over here," Relena stood on a platform with a white screen behind it.

The two boys followed obediently. "Good. Now, Heero," Relena kissed him, tugging his arms around Duo, "put your arms around him."

"What da FUCK?" Duo objected loudly…as usual. "I may b'drunk, but 'm not THAT drunk."

Hilde walked to him, kissed him chastely on the lips, and murmured, "Just let him hold you for a few seconds. It turns me on."

"Eh??" Duo looked at her at a slant. 'My girlfriend's a gay porno fiend?' he thought, confused. Then troubled.

Then, a bright flash went off before he passed out.


	3. Ch. 3 - The Fool And The Fiend

  
Warning: Lots of silliness, drinking (legal age down to 18 haha), and…yeah.   
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is copyright Sotsu Agency and whatnot. Not mine.   
Written: April 3, 2002 - May 6, 2002 **

  
Heero's Fatal Mistake   
By Seraphina DW

**

Duo woke up groggily to Heero's shouting, "What the **HELL** is this???"

"What? Hilde's a gay porno fiend?" Duo asked, suddenly troubled at what he just said. "Wait, what? Where'd that come from?" Scratching his tangled mop of hair, he walked into the next room and realized he wasn't in his apartment.

"Hey…where'm I?"

"Duo, this is your apartment," Heero said icily.

"Huh? Oh yeah. Haha. I must be deluson -- holy shit, Heero!" Duo exclaimed, staring at his friend. Heero's hair was rumpled up and he was wearing a beater with only boxer shorts on.

Clasping his hands together, Duo knelt and whimpered, "Uh, hi God... I didn't... you know... …did I? Oh shit! I did…I did, didn't I? What the…What the shit? H-how? How did this happen? I... I don't understand.... ...fuck! I'm straight! I'm straight - straight guys don't do screwed up crap like this!

"Oh God, what the hell happened? My ass doesn't hurt... that's a good sign... but I don't know that I didn't... ...I can't think about that. I've known Heero for so long - what the fuck? What the fucking... fuck?! I've known him forever…Well, not known him known him…not in the biblical sense... but now, I have no goddamn (sorry) clue... oh God help me! I can't remember a thing! 

"...What's this taste in my mouth...? ... Oh this had better not be... oh FUCK! It is! SON OF A BITCH! SHIT! How the hell did this happen? So, uh, God, if you're there... maybe you could just help me out... I'm not sure how exactly, but I'm thinking that if you're good at raising from the dead and healing the maimed and all, you might be able to do something about this... Although sodomy would have to be a fucking sin, dammit…I can't just pass this off as experimenting, can I? Girls experiment…'course it's usually nothing below the belt…but I mean, if this is only a one time thing…what if it isn't? What if I've done this before?! With other guys? Could I be gay when I'm drunk? What the hell is that? I've never heard of that before…most people get depressed or violent…maybe I get gay...dammit! Why do I have to be the only gay drunk!??"

'Heero would have to be a gay drunk too. That bastard! That fucking closet homo! I'm gonna kill him! Could you kill him for me, God? …How am I ever gonna explain this taste in my mouth to Hilde?!' Duo thought silently, nearly to tears.

"Duo, shut the fuck up," Heero punched him in the face. "You were too drunk to even stand last night. And that taste is liquor you dumbass! Anyway, that's not what I'm worried about."

Duo sat up, rubbing his head, "I don't like guys, I don't like guys…huh?"

"Duo, look at this!" Heero shoved numerous tabloids at Duo's face. On each front cover was a large picture of him…in Heero's arms??

"AHHHHH!! Don't LIE to me Heero!" Duo cried, "What'm I going to say to Hilde? How did this happen? Oh, God, I didn't want to have sex with you!"

"Duo, SHUT UP! You DIDN'T HAVE SEX WITH ME!"

"I didn't?"

"No, you did!" Heero shouted angrily.

Duo's eyes enlarged, "What?? You just said I did? Oh God oh God!"

"I meant you didn't! Dammit, stop confusing me! We did NOT have sex and I don't know HOW that picture ever got to the papers."

"Hmm…" Duo flipped the page and skimmed down the article. "Oh, man! Why didn'tcha read this, hmm? This is all YOUR fault people think I'm having an affair with you, you dirty little man!"

"Dirty little man?" Heero asked. "I'm taller than you, you idiot."

"I'm _not_ an idiot!" Duo protested, shoving the article in Heero's face. "Only an _idiot_ would let something like _this_ happen."

Heero grabbed the crinkled papers from his hand and skimmed down the article…

_Heero, beloved, I hope this teaches you a good lesson. I know where you sleep…and I know where you hide your gun._

-Love and Kisses-

Anon

Heero's face paled, "No one knows where I hide my gun."

Duo asked sneakily, "So…why the pale face? Hiding something, hmm?"

Heero stared at him blankly, "No one knows where I hide my gun."

Duo eyed him wearily, "In those spandex shorts of yours, the only place you CAN hide your gun is…" he cringed, "well, where your WEE WEE IS!" He burst out laughing, "How you don't look like you have a hard on 24/7 I do NOT know and do not WANT to know!"

Heero punched Duo in the head again and buried his face in his palms. "How did this person know?" Then with a killer look in his eye, "I'll eliminate all obstacles."

"Oh, is that true, Heero?" asked a female voice from the doorway where two figures stood, their arms crossed in front of their torsos. "Then, you'll have to get through _me_ first."

Heero paled an even whiter shade. "Relena…how, why?"

"Heero," Relena said dramatically, waltzing into the room to be her beloved's savior. She put the back of her hand to her forehead in a mock faint and said, "If only you knew what pain you have caused."

"What have I done?" Heero knelt before her.

"Something that apparently deserves you to get…" she picked up a newspaper and faced the cover towards him, "this."

"BUT WHY?" Duo wailed. "What'd I do Hilde? Is this all because you want to see me get down and dirty with another guy?" Duo covered his face. "You're a man-on-man lover! How could you DO this to me?? I feel so cheated."

"Aw, Duo. I just didn't think you liked me anymore…" Hilde turned about, flustered. "I guess it was wrong, but," she looked at Relena, "it was funny as hell seeing you drunk!"

"UH HUH!" Relena piped in, laughing with Hilde. "I think even left some lipstick on Heero's lips."

Hilde grabbed a paper, "Oh my God! You did!"

The two girls howled and laughed.

"Relena, I'm going to kill you!" Heero quickly put on some pants and a shirt, then chased her out of the room with Hilde and Duo in pursuit.

When they reached the main entrance, a flood of media folks surrounded them with a blur of questions.

"Heero, are you gay?…Did being a Gundam pilot pressure you…Who is this stalker of yours?…Did you have an intimate affair with-"

Heero quickly grabbed Relena, forgot about hating her, and planted a kiss onto her lips. "I'M HETEROSEXUAL AND SHE IS MY GIRLFRIEND!" He shouted and quickly pushed his way through the crowds and into a waiting cab.

Duo crashed into the cameramen and yelled him, "Watch where you're going man! I can't believe you people! I'm not gay, I'm not gay! WHY ME??" He screamed in anguish.

"Sir, sir, did you have-"

"I hate Heero, ARGH!" He smashed the cameras with a vengeance and yelled, "If there is a God, get rid of these damn reporters! I promise it'll be the last-"

All of a sudden, the sky clouded up and in a flash, the reporters were burnt to a black crisp.

Staring at Hilde, he quickly asked, "Oh, could you make me hetero again?"

And so it was to be. And everyone died.

The End.

AN: Ridiculous? Yes. Unlike anything I've ever written? Yes. Wondering what picture I'm talking about? It's the infamous one with Duo being held by Heero, and I honestly think Heero does have lipstick on! It's so improbably that they'd have a relationship b/c nothing in the series hints at it, but fanfiction IS _fan_fiction. So, this is my version. I hope you enjoyed it. R&R! Thanks.


End file.
